Still wondering whether or not I should get my own apartment or stay home.. I live about 30 minutes away from campus and the apartments I’ve mad arrangements for are literally across the street. I would have 3 other room mates (complete strangers) but I would have my own room. There’d be a common area and a kitchen. It comes fully furnished and rents about 400 a month which I wouldn’t have to worry about being able to afford .
I have a such a hard time forming relationships with people and the last time I had room mates it turned out to be a total disaster. I discount that experience a little bit on the grounds that it was my first time not living with family and I was very much in the mode of, “if I’m not 100% okay with something I will not allow it.” I think I would be better now in terms of compromise.
The more I think about it the better it sounds. The complex (which is considered student housing but is privately owned) has these “mixer” type events (that they make you pay for, wtf?) that are meant to introduce you to new people. I just really need to let go of a lot of my reservations and loosen a good deal of my need to feel in control. I feel so lonely sometimes I think it’s actually physically painful. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually cried over it but I think it’s more akin to the fact that I’ve learned to cope with it a bit. I really don’t want to cope with something like that. Iw ant to address it head on and find out why it’s so hard for me to accept people at face and without expectation. Just hold a conversation. An innocent exchange with no hidden agendas, no hurt feelings on the line. no fear of rejection; just conversation.
My fear was that by moving away I would risk being locked up in a room all alone that I couldn’t even really call my own, without my usual set up and menagerie that I have at home. I was be one step close to being a total utter recluse. I wouldn’t even have my dogs with me my consummate friends to vent to with out fear of judgement. This could be a chance to start something new. New people to interact with on a daily basis with a new out look on things. A new mindset.
I have real trouble with keeping consistent thought. I’ve always thought it might have something to do with the fact that seldom ever watch the same movie or season/episode of a show twice. It’s just like, I’m done and then I’m on to the next. It’s really strange.